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Prism & My Life 1 Year later
It's been a year already. A year ago today, I received a cease and desist from Nintendo telling me to stop producing Prism. One year later, a lot has happened that has greatly improved my life, both with my career and mental health.
This is going to be a long one, but I really learned about myself this year and encountered a lot of great moments that has me really excited about the future.
2016 was the year I truly felt like a game developer. Sure it was a fan game, but the sheer amount of knowledge I gained with Prism, especially during the last year was something I wouldn't trade for the world. I've done contract work for games like Jump Tanks, but Prism gave me the opportunity to lead a team and treat it as a serious game development project. Prism was also a curse. I was a perfectionist and revised many parts of the game several times. My standards for a quality game kept growing so I continued to update and update. In some ways, the cease and desist was a blessing for me, as it finally forced me to stop and focus on developing original content and showed me the important of taking care of my mental health, which I describe below. If the cease and desist never happened, I might still be in the same place even after Christmas 2016: still working and updating Prism while my other ideas are left to rot and not taking care of myself. I kept telling myself I put so much effort into Prism that it would be foolish to cancel the game, but I was never satisfied. I'm still not 100% satisfied with the game to this day, and some of the major complaints with the game I fully agree with, but there's nothing I can do about it and that's a good thing so I can focus on other projects. I cannot touch the game, but thankfully another team has picked it up and is continuing to work on the game.
Past all the bugs and game design flaws, some that would've been fixed before Christmas or in future patches, people still enjoyed something I produced. Why do I develop games? Well, I want to make people happy and I believe the best way for me to do that is to produce games. Sounds really corny, but it's the truth. Whether you enjoyed Prism or not, thank you for giving my work your time. Could have I spent the time making an original game instead of Prism and profited off of it? Probably, but for the longest time I felt passionate about disassembling my favorite video games and learning how they worked. It's an unorthodox method, but it was the way I did things and I don't have the option of going back in time and changing it. Even if I could go back, I would still probably do it again, but keep it on the down low. I think the audience in 2015 was a really comfortable. In 2016, with my TPP partnership and the trailer, Prism got way more attention than my wildest dreams, but the unexpected attention became stressful for me while trying to finish the game and eventually lead to the C&D. If my next game gets that amount of attention, I'll be able to handle it better with what I learned this year.
As far as my relationship with Nintendo, we're on good terms with each other and have been for a while. I fully understand why they had to give Prism a C&D as they viewed it as potential competition between their official products (which I also take as a compliment) and I have no hard feelings towards them about it anymore. The matter was fully resolved back in February and they thanked me for my cooperation. Nintendo is a good company and I ask that you continue to support them, especially after the wonderful Zelda and Mario games that came out this year. I had the opportunity to talk to a couple of their employees this year in person who know what went down and they're good people.
Am I 100% done with ROM Hacks? Who knows. I've wanted to distance myself from ROM Hacks but after spending a year not developing a ROM Hack has made me really miss taking apart my favorite games and putting them back together to form something new. If I do decide to make another ROM Hack, it will not be a Nintendo property and it will be a side project with my main projects always taking priority, and it would not be nearly as big as Prism. I have a couple of games in mind, but I haven't really decided on a game, or if I will even make another ROM Hack. I'd also keep it on the down low as to not compete with the official products. AND I would discuss it with the developers of the original game and see if they're ok with me going forward with it. Again, this is a big 'if'.
As far as my new projects go, I'm still working on my AR/Mixed Reality game. I continue to learn more about this technology and want to produce something that'll really stand out and hold its own identity. AR is still in its baby stage and I predict in a few years it'll be very easy for anyone to get their hands on this technology. Turning reality into an interactive world is still very fascinating for me and allows for almost infinite ways to play the game. I've developed some game concepts and there's another game I'm really excited about, but don't expect it anytime soon. Another project is incredibly story-focused, however the player has control over where the story goes. It's kind of like those 'Choose your own Adventure' books. Depending on your choices, a character can either be an ally or a foe. I've spent a lot of time developing the core characters and the worlds they live in. It's a 3d platformer / beat-em-up kind of game, featuring a cast of characters that act as a very dysfunctional, but loyal avengers kind of team. They become heroes, but they dont act or look like your typical 'superheroes'.
I could have rushed something out the door just to say that I got something out in 2017, but my first post-Prism game needs to be great. Like with Prism, I am in no rush, but they are coming.
The partnership I mentioned back in October is still developing. It all began with meeting somebody at E3 2017 and continuing to talk to more people. I am now under NDA about the project so I can't mention exactly what we're working on, but I want to let you all know that it is still moving forward. I flew out earlier this month to meet the team in person and develop our project over the weekend and perform the role as lead programmer. I feel we really clicked with each other but also learned ways we can improve next time. I am interested in making the 'flying out of state jams' a regular thing, maybe something to do every month or two. Everyone on this team has more than proved to me their talent and work ethic and you'll be able to see it for yourself once I'm allowed to announce who these people are. I am honored to be developing such talent and while the partnership is still developing, I will stay loyal to them as long as it takes for this job to fully manifest and beyond.
The following paragraphs are really personal, but I really took control of my mental health this year and I feel comfortable sharing with you what I learned.
I'm not going to mince at words here. I have disorders with anxiety and depression and I've had them my whole life. Every year I felt improvement, but never really took them seriously. I felt repairing my mental health was a waste of time, but in reality suffering from it was an even bigger waste of time. It's something that runs in my family, we take a lot of insignifigant things seriously when we shouldn't. Or at the fact things weren't 'fair'. Life isn't fair and while I always knew that logically, emotionally I felt everything had to be a 'certain way' even if I had no control over it. It sounds silly and common sense, but it was difficult for my emotional mind to accept this. I would get also get paranoid, afraid something bad would happen to me when in reality there was no threat at all. There were also long periods of time where I considered myself fine and 'cured', only to go back to my old anxious ways because I didn't figure out how to cope and address the problems properly. Looking back, I was really childish up until my late 20's and I wish I had a better understanding of my condition so I could've treated myself and other people better and make better, more rational decisions.
Secondly, I felt the solution to combat this anxiety was always to 'distract myself with work'. I take great pride in accomplishing tasks, but that feeling is only temporary. Negative thoughts would soon fire into my head again. The way to effectively deal with these problems is to seek professional help and take it seriously, which I feel like I was finally able to get a hold of this year when I changed my insurance provider. Sometimes it takes trial and error with a couple of providers to find one that's right for you. I had to put my projects on the wayside for months while I focusing mainly on improving my mental health, which I neglected for the longest time and Prism's C&D made me finally realize that I needed to take this seriously. If you are suffering with anxiety or depression disorders, please try to find help and make that your main priority. I am not a doctor, but if you have anxiety issues and feel helpless, feel free to send me a private message I can try to help steer you in the right direction. I really wish mental help assistance was not only more easily obtainable, but taken more seriously in The United States as well as more affordable and more accessible. Am I 100% anxiety free? No, but then again, who is? Throughout 2018 and beyond I will continue to improve my anxiety disorder and forbid anxiety from taking over my life and deterring my projects and happiness.
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Throughout my life, I always felt like great events in my life would solve all of my problems and it keeps going back. 'I'll finally be happy when people can play Prism', 'I'll finally be happy if I get a full time job with health benefits and a 401k'. 'I'll finally be happy once I get this high paying contract job', 'I'll finally be happy when I get my bachelors degree in computer science', 'I'll finally be happy when I get accepted to this college', 'I'll finally be happy when I get my associates degree', 'I'll finally be happy when I go back to college', 'I'll finally be happy when I finish High school, Middle school, Elementary school, etc etc.' I was always happy for a while, but sooner or later I'd revert back to my old self, harshly criticizing myself even at my accomplishments, such as it took me longer to finish college than most people. Nothing was never good enough for myself and I constantly reminded myself of my past mistakes or not accomplishing my tasks perfectly or that I can't fix problems that I created in the past, even going back to my childhood. The thing is, there's nothing I can do about those. What happened happened and I have to continue to look forward like everyone else instead of dwelling on a past event that I can't fix. What I do have control over though is my present and future, and dwelling on the past affects my present, which then becomes the past, which leads to more bad memories. I learned the importantance of living in the moment.
I am 31 years old. I currently have a full-time job for the last 2 years with a decent salary with benefits and while the job can get stressful sometimes, it isn't bad by any means. I have a good family and have a lot of good friends. I have a passion for game development along with a modest audience who wants to see what I come out with next. Even though I am single and have been for 3 years, and while I always knew this logically but not emotionally until recently, I have a good life and a lot to be thankful for. Could I be in a better position if I took care of my anxiety sooner? Sure. Do I aspire to do even better? Of course. Am I happy with where I am right now while working towards a better life? Absolutely.
Why am I telling you all of this personal stuff about my life? Because it needs to be said. Mental health is a major issue that affects millions of people in this country alone and needs to be taken seriously. Many people are afraid to admit they have these disorders over fears of being ridiculed and ostracized and I was one of them until this year. I hope if you are suffering, my words give you hope, and motivation to keep fighting your anxiety, depression or whatever else you have.
It really means a lot to me that you all have stuck with me for this long. Some have even been following me for over a decade, which I think is incredible. You people are more than numbers, you all have a lot going on in your lives as well and I'm thankful you have decided to take time out of your day to play what I've developed. I will do everything I can to continue to make fun games for you all. I promise to not let any of you down and continue to provide quality content.
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